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What makes me sad…

Last week after speaking with Doc he asked me if I liked to write, which reminded me of when I was a kid and I remember I enjoyed writing small stories given to me as assignments from my teacher.  I remember some included my brother, actually most included my brother as well as haunted houses.  Don’t ask me why but as a kid I enjoyed scary things, to this day I still do.

Anyway, back on topic, so Doc asked me if I liked to write and I said I did as a kid, yada yada yada.  Doc then asked me to write about things that make me sad, so here goes.

Things that come to mind that make me sad.  I get sad when I think about certain parts of my past although they sometimes are cloudy and hard to comprehend.

I get sad when I think about how little I have accomplished in life, what I mean is I’m not financially settled, I’m not doing the things I’d like to do and so on.

I get sad when I realize as a kid growing up I never had that true family life, a mother and father figure in one house.

I get sad when I look back as a kid and realize I was gifted in sports but due to the lack of support from any family I never did pursue sports or for that matter school.  When I was a kid I did just enough to get by, a lot of times because I couldn’t concentrate, as my previous post mentioned my mind drifted a lot.

I get sad and frustrated because I don’t have the confidence in myself to pursue most dreams I have.  If I hit a roadblock I often just give up.  I’m not typically the person that falls off the horse and gets right back on, sometimes I do, but more often than not I don’t.

I get sad when I lack to motivation to do things, with that said I’m not depressed, more often than not people I’ve spoken to throw up the depression thing in my face, so I just want to clear that up now, basically I just do not have the fire burning inside to motivate me to do things.  Almost like I’m content, but my mind tells me otherwise.

I get sad when I realize I don’t really have a so-called “inner circle” of friends I can trust.  It seems one way or another people let me down or I cause things to happen to in-turn cause them to let me down, complicated I know.

I get sad when I get in public situations and literally freak out, not openly but internally I’m a wreck, it just makes me nervous.

I get sad cause I can often give good advice to others, but can’t give the same advice to myself, go figure.

I get sad because I often can’t  convey the things I want to say, either my mind is scrambled or I just can’t figure out how to put it into words.  For example, as I write all of this I am listening to instrumental music, it relaxes me, I love good instrumental movie sound tracks, but as I listen to it relaxed I still struggle with comprehending the things I want to say or in this moment type.

So there you have it, a few things that make me sad.

-JL

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Jagged Lucidity

Hello and welcome to Jagged Lucidity.  As you can see I have the definitions of both words below, please take a moment to look them over.

Definition of JAGGED

1:  having a sharply uneven edge or surface <jagged peaks>

2:  having a harsh, rough, or irregular quality <jagged rhythms>

Definition of LUCIDITY

1:  clearness of thought or style

2:  a presumed capacity to perceive the truth directly and instantaneously

The reason I chose Jagged Lucidity as my blog name is because it relates to my everyday struggles in real life.  Almost daily I have to make a great effort in confronting my…let me refer to them as inner demons, hopefully nobody gets freaked out by this, it’s just a reference per say, I’m not saying I have internal demons.

What I mean is my thoughts are not always clear, they tend to be racing so fast that either I can’t comprehend them or they just confuse the heck out of me, so instead of having lucidity, clearness of thought, instead I have jagged thoughts or uneven or irregular thoughts.

For example right now it is an internal battle to grasp the words I want to say and how to relate them as I write them.  When I think of something it’s like a thousand thoughts go through my mind at once, and sometimes the confusion brought on by this is simply frustrating to say the least.

Lately I’ve been seeing a doctor (who shall remain nameless) to help me confront this issue.  Basically once a week or every other week I have a sit down session with the doctor (who I will refer to as Doc from now on) and we discuss various issues most of which always in one way or another point to my past.

You see, growing up as a kid I didn’t have the ideal childhood that most kids have.  I grew up in an abusive environment.  By abusive I mean I grew up in environments that had drugs, alcohol and unfortunately physical and verbal abuse.  Thankfully though there was no sexual abuse, but as you can see there are many forms of abuse.

So how does this relate to me today?  Good question, that’s the part I’m trying to figure out for myself.  Although most of my past experiences are numb to me, they still cause my mind to be a scrambled mess at times and according to my Doc they have a huge impact on the way I look at things today.

Over the coming days, weeks or months I will “try to share this journey with those that may accidentally find this site.  Any by doing so I hope in one way or another I can help someone else.  This may not be a fun journey, but it will be an honest journey.

-JL