What makes me sad…

Last week after speaking with Doc he asked me if I liked to write, which reminded me of when I was a kid and I remember I enjoyed writing small stories given to me as assignments from my teacher.  I remember some included my brother, actually most included my brother as well as haunted houses.  Don’t ask me why but as a kid I enjoyed scary things, to this day I still do.

Anyway, back on topic, so Doc asked me if I liked to write and I said I did as a kid, yada yada yada.  Doc then asked me to write about things that make me sad, so here goes.

Things that come to mind that make me sad.  I get sad when I think about certain parts of my past although they sometimes are cloudy and hard to comprehend.

I get sad when I think about how little I have accomplished in life, what I mean is I’m not financially settled, I’m not doing the things I’d like to do and so on.

I get sad when I realize as a kid growing up I never had that true family life, a mother and father figure in one house.

I get sad when I look back as a kid and realize I was gifted in sports but due to the lack of support from any family I never did pursue sports or for that matter school.  When I was a kid I did just enough to get by, a lot of times because I couldn’t concentrate, as my previous post mentioned my mind drifted a lot.

I get sad and frustrated because I don’t have the confidence in myself to pursue most dreams I have.  If I hit a roadblock I often just give up.  I’m not typically the person that falls off the horse and gets right back on, sometimes I do, but more often than not I don’t.

I get sad when I lack to motivation to do things, with that said I’m not depressed, more often than not people I’ve spoken to throw up the depression thing in my face, so I just want to clear that up now, basically I just do not have the fire burning inside to motivate me to do things.  Almost like I’m content, but my mind tells me otherwise.

I get sad when I realize I don’t really have a so-called “inner circle” of friends I can trust.  It seems one way or another people let me down or I cause things to happen to in-turn cause them to let me down, complicated I know.

I get sad when I get in public situations and literally freak out, not openly but internally I’m a wreck, it just makes me nervous.

I get sad cause I can often give good advice to others, but can’t give the same advice to myself, go figure.

I get sad because I often can’t  convey the things I want to say, either my mind is scrambled or I just can’t figure out how to put it into words.  For example, as I write all of this I am listening to instrumental music, it relaxes me, I love good instrumental movie sound tracks, but as I listen to it relaxed I still struggle with comprehending the things I want to say or in this moment type.

So there you have it, a few things that make me sad.

-JL

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